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Friday, January 26, 2007
8:37 PM
i've been crying hard these days. yes... previously i said i'm happy cause i love "e zuo ju zhi wen" but i'm somehow sad and probably disappointed): band was one of the reasons.. i might not even be able to get in SYF. my section is falling apart. i'm stressed i'm scared i'm feeling all sorts of emotions that a christian shoudn't be feeling. i always thought whether am i being a GOOD section leader or not. why is that even though my section os working really really hard we still able to achieve THAT standered. that only MY section has to go through auditions and only 1 will be selected. I AM SCARED! I AM! I DO CARE! I DO CARE how my section is doing. YES! i know my section suck. but we've working really hard. i still dont know what's the problem with us. i always wonder why is my section falling. why is it happening? i wonder whether is it me or not. i thought through alot of things. i thought over things that have happened to my section ever since i took over my section. i wonder whether all these was God's will. Whether he made it happen so that i can be a stronger and better leader. even if i do have the authority to even scold my senior but why is that i don't dare to? i've scolded my juniors. i've ever got impatient with them. i've ever treated them nicely. i've ever tried not to be impatient. i've tried alot of things.. but all these dont seem to work. even as a section leader, i need another section leader's help. i feel useless at times. i feel.... i feel.... i feel too lost. i've tried to be independent but i just couldn't do it. as a section leader, i dont do alot of things. whatever instructions just leaves my head overnight. SIGH* i know seniors have been helping me. i know my bandmates are encouraging me but sometimes i just breakdown and cry. like as if i was being accused. NO! i blame nobody but myself. i've been feeling guilt-stricken. sigh* i dont think i have anything more to say. |