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Sunday, July 09, 2006
9:31 PM
i was walking home from granny's place last night. i had many things running through my mind. the changes in my family, friends and myself. i realise many things had change. alot. my days wasn't as fun as before, it wasn't so emotional and it wasn't so hurtful like now. we all had naive thinking. thinking that things will stay pure and innocent and things will stay the same forever. no! absolutely wrong. me and my cousins use to be having pillows fights in the room and we often get scolded for jumping on the bed. i use to tell my cousin so many things that happen. daddy use to bring us down for supper at the nearby coffee shop. we kids and my cousins' maid use to be gathering around playing monopoly, carom and many other board games. i remember staying up to 2am trying to complete monopoly. i remember laughing until we fell of the chair while playing. i remember that i use to slap one of my cousin's butt just for fun and then he will always drop on the floor laughing. i remember playing at the playground before dinner and we'll always get scolded for playing too much. i remember always bringing my homework to granny's place to do. but now, things have changed. i sit in the living room either eating or watching tv. my cousins would be the ones changing the channel and making me angry. my older cousin would come at only 7 plus. sometimes, he wont even come. daddy somehow hated the sight of my uncle and never went over to my granny's place until chinese new year. one of my cousin maid went back to indonesia, and the other work for another family. we dont gather around playing board games anymore, even if we did, we would end up quarrelling. adults wont scold us for jumping on the bed 'cause we weren't even playing on the bed. i feel apart from all my cousins already. i dont enjoy being with them as much as before. i dont like to bring any of my work there to study anymore. i would be 1 of the first to leave for home. i miss those days. and school. cliques falling apart, school wasn't school, class wasn't class anymore. 1n'o5 and 2n'o6. the class wasn't as united as before. 2n boys are getting more childish, hatred and stuffs. i do see alot of changes. it use to be me, emily, shi ying and hanlyn always together. and then god-knows-what-happen, shi ying and emily change. and i could tell in their eyes that they hated me. i didn't care, i couldn't. the only way was to leave them alone, create another group of friends. and then i thought hanlyn and me would stay as friends. but no, i was wrong. she and lee ann got closer, while me? just jumping from cliques to cliques. didn't know where i should be. that was year end of 2005. after all this, was when i got closer to cheryl. mainly because of band stuffs. suddenly, there was this conversation between me, hanlyn and zijian on msn. after that, hanlyn was always alone, like who-knows-why. so, me and cheryl started talking to her and there, forms another clique. zijian and azhar got closer, jeffrey and zijian weren't that close anymore. and there, forms a bigger clique. those times were before the june holidays. musical night, sports meet, heritage trail, we dont seem to get seperated in anyway. yes, it was that 4 people i hang out with-cheryl, hanlyn, zi jian and azhar. it was fun hanging out with those people, maybe too much fun. things started to change at the last week of school. it might be mainly because of me(i hope not). i felt kinda depressed. 3 days of feeling upset, hurt and disappointment. everything went wrong. it wasn't the way i wanted. my heart was in pain, i couldn't take it anymore, i finally cried out. nobody knew how i felt. the reason they thought i cried- because of the disorganised class, sad and upset. no, it was not that reason. the helpless feeling, and the feeling of being afraid. afraid of betrayal, afraid of losing friends and most importantly, afraid of losing that clique i had. hanlyn prayed for me. and yes! i felt much better. but things still wasn't that right. i had to accept it. it was hard. during the holidays, we didnt talk much. i tried not to talk to them(as in the guys in the clique). and now, things have officially change. just as i expected, we weren't as close as before. more new people had entered our lifes. we weren't even in the same group during chocolate day. split into 3 different groups. WRONG! everything was wrong. and yes. we are not a clique anymore. we have our own friends we hang out with and most importantly, we shouldn't butt into each other's personal lifes anymore. things and people really change as time goes by. i had to put up a smile willingly and i did. maybe i should accept things earlier. so, i wouldn't be so hurt. life is full of fun and laughter. maybe, all this trivial things should be put all to the back. start afresh with a new group of friends. |